Many people only see the outside of me, the hyper bubbly spaz blonde me on the outside. This is because I hide my inside 90% of the time. I have suffered my entire life with depression.The low energy, constant fatigue, want for pain, and lack of interest in anything that I love. I have always hated this side of myself, it lets out my inner most dark side. I have always been ashamed of this side of me. It has always been made me feel like as a failure. No one gets it, that hasn’t been there done that. Everyone sees people from the outside, if you look like there is nothing wrong there must not be anything wrong. No one knows the internal struggle. I know used to hide and be ashamed of this internal struggle, now I try to draw power from this.
I remember the first episodes of this was probably 10-11 years old. I obviously didn’t know what was going on but I remember that was when I fell in love with the rush and release of endorphin’s from body modifications. Although at that age I thought it was a smart idea to use safety pins and rubbing alcohol. This was so dangerous and stupid, I can’t believe that I did these things without causing permanent damage. At the time my parents thought I was being a rebellious teenager and without out me knowing to communicate these feelings I had. I spent years fighting and getting grounded by my parents. I remember 7th grade on my dads birthday I even had the balls to show my parents that I had pierced my nose. It was the first piercing I had outside my ears.
It was about a year after that my dad was put on antidepressants which brought all of my problems to light, which was amazing help for me for a while. After a while the pills I was on stopped helping so I stopped taking them. I spent the next few years spiraling out of control, it took a long time to get catch that this was happening. At that point I tried new medications they didn’t work, so I started trying to find new ways to help it that were more natural.
Over the years, my methods have changed but it has been over 10 years without pharmaceutical medications to manage my depression. Over the years meditation, yoga, essential oils, sleeping and writing have helped me out greatly. I have also learned a few important things along the way.
- It is okay to take time off from life, within reason. I cant completely just crawl under a rock and forget the world exists, but sometimes just slowing down and vegging out on television and sleeping can be extremely mentally healthy.
- Writing about nothing and writing about everything. Sometimes you just want to write about all of your frustration and sometimes you just put the pen to the paper and see what randomness comes out.
- Essential Oils have been a huge life saver. I use them in several different applications. Mostly I diffuse oils that promote mental clarity, energy and calming.
- Removing the stresses that are unnecessary. The little things like keeping a clean house and a organized schedule are extremely helpful.
- Counseling is also a tool I have used off and on over the years. In all honestly, I should probably use this tool on a more regular basis. Talking to a 3rd party is very calming and helps me see the rational side of life when I struggle.
- Last and probably the single most important thing, I have learned is to say NO and that it is okay to say NO. It is okay to say No, I can’t help you, No I cant attend that event, and No I don’t want to. So many people live life trying to make everyone else happy, where I have chosen to make my life happy and not worry about others.
Everyone handles life so differently and different things. Even though I have found that this works for me, it isn’t for everyone. I also want to make sure it is know that my doctors and I have an open communication line about my treatment and balancing. This may not work forever for me forever but at this point, this is the best option for me.